“The ancients would grind the nougat plant with stones, adding cacao nibs as they worked.” Satisfied, Paleo Dad accepts the 3 Musketeers.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.

I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, “I’ll get on top.” I said, “Great, I’ll get the ladder.” She said, “You sure think a lot of yourself, don’t you?”

What do Jedi and rapists have in common? They both use “The Force”.

Went to an astrologer and found out why my wife and I aren’t compatible. I’m a Capricorn and she’s a fucking BITCH!

Joseph was changing Jesus’ diaper Joseph slowly takes out Jesus’ dirty diaper, when Mary suddenly asks, “What’s inside?”. Joseph exclaimed “Holy shit!”.

I thought of something funnier than 24 25

I woke up with a ringing in my left ear So I put my phone on vibrate.

Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.