I will be in a bathroom stall later today to watch Trump’s inauguration… …it will forever be remembered as the day shit went down.

Kinky and Perverted What is the difference between perverted?? Kinky is when you tickle your lovers ass with a feather … perverted is when you use the whole chicken!

A horse walks into a police station Policeman says “Why the long face?” Horse replies “I’ve just witnessed a murder” [True story](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-29550834)

Mom, I am very worried… Mom, I am very worried, I have lost 3 kg. – But that are great news, You should be very happy. Yeah, Say it to my Colombian *friends*

Did you hear about Ken M.? He was a master baiter, but they told him to beat it.

8yo: mommy how old are you? Me: 46 8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?

I’m not sexist…. because being sexist is wrong, and being wrong is for women.

Ted Cruz just looks like a… Saturday Night Live Skit

Jesus dies for our sins? No, no, no… He died for YOUR sins. I haven’t touched a goat inappropriately since third grade.

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.