Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly Now I’m just ugly

There’s a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed His dog is just as bad

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT. Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Orange Soda I’ve always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide. It’s just Fanta-sea really

“I see people.” – The Fifth Sense

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun” ~My son apparently

A zombie apocalypse would be so much funnier if we started burying people in those fuzzy duck slippers that quack when you walk.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

New Girlfriend (56) — Postponed due to rain NOTICE: New Girlfriend (56) will be made up next Wednesday as part of a double header along with New Girlfriend (57).