Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey!

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly. Edit: an adverb.

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

Mary had a little lamb. …and she was delicious!

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer: IT guy: Have you tried punching it? Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Is it a blow job or a blowjob? Fuck I hate writing thank you cards…

Two space shuttle crews watched Felix Baumgartner and thought: “WE COULD HAVE HAD PARACHUTES?”

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Canada is not a vast empty woodland. Our monetary system proves our civility. 5 beavers is worth a caribou 4 caribous are worth a loon And 2 loons are worth a polar bear.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.