one time I stuck my hand in a jar of jelly beans and when I took it out all the black one stole my rings and watch

I’m not saying your mom is fat but she’d be worth a lot more in the UK

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going? ME: Jealous much?

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!” – Cat game shows

Why did the milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder

I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died

Say what you want about pedophiles At least they go the speed limit in school zones..

Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter? Because it was too Win+D