A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, “Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?” he says, “40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?”

We could hit every terrorist on the Most Wanted List tomorrow, if we turned it over to Google’s ad department.

What did the sardine call the submarine ? A can of people !

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn’t know which one came first!

Why do felines always win board games? Because they are cheetahs.

Tourist in America I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i’ve only got 6 months…plus community service.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

The new fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.

A guy walked up to my bar. He said, “Can I have a stiff drink?” “Of course,” I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey.

Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?” Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”