Bet I could breathe more air than you, bro

Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay

The thing about boats… If we don’t bow, everyone gets stern.

TIL the musical group Ace of Base was killed in a horrific traffic accident after they missed their exit on the highway and crashed… Police later said, “they didn’t see the sign…”

A Roman guy walks into a bar… He holds up two fingers and says “Five beers please!”

Q: What is the blonde’s chronic speech impediment? A: She can’t say “No”.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters.