have to stop saying “how am i going to kill my way out of this one” everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud

Why don’t black people listen to country music? Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister’s been shot.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

What’s the Difference between like, love and showing off?? Spit, Swallow and Gargle

In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.

I think it’s been enough time to warrant a Star Wars spoiler… Yoda is dead

What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket? Is that you, coffin?

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

I’m pretty sick right now. You could say I’m feeling like Charles Lindbergh… Because I got the flu

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel