I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night… But it’s OK. I don’t think we could have stayed anyway, we didn’t have a reservation.

I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection”, but she did.

Everyone needs a three hour nap after their breakfast pizza, right?

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

If you want to set up and run a small company… …that’s your business

Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

Damn girl, are you a pig? Because your mother looks like a pig. Because you look damn hot bacon in the Sun. Because I want to stuff you like Thanksgiving dinner. . . . More suggestions appreciated

How do you tell who the extroverted engineers are? They’re the ones who look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.