People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell “YOU DON’T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION” and run away.

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

I’ve decided to fight my addiction I’m not posting on reddit until next year

I am sick and tired of women jokes!! period!

Man died after crushing against a mirror Witnesses said: “he saw it coming”

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up behind it

Why do Communists only drink coffee? Because proper tea is theft.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a hill and turned into a field

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokenoff