Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.

Why kind of cigarettes do Hawaiians smoke? Mahalo bro lights.

I hate people who think it’s cool to take drugs …like customs officers

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

Cops are looking for a man who robbed a store using scissors. They say the guy could be a real danger–unless you have a rock.

Can’t believe my neighbors don’t have any rum. How am I supposed to enjoy their hot tub while they’re on vacation?

What do you call a donkey that falls into a pile of sugar? A Sweet Ass ( )

How are babies different from feminists? Babies grow up and stop crying.

Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.