“So, doctor, do I have cancer or not?” “Oh Jesus Christ, holy shit, tons of it,” said the doctor to Martin Shkreli.

Harry is a? Fucking WIZARD!

On TV shows, answering machines are actually saying leave a message after the fuck.

What do you call someone who discriminates you for your oral hygiene? A dent*ist*.

Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse? They really know how to make bedrock.

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. The mom asks, “Why on earth do you need that?” The little boy replies, “isn’t that what you give dad when HIS shit won’t get hard?!”

how to get into shape: 1. punch a bear 2. run. this is your life now

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.