[around campfire] ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song? KIDS: Yeah! ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? (Slightly NSFW) A lick-a-lot-a-puss.

What did the pirates say who stole Kim Kardashians jewelry? We wanted her booty!

I always eat at McDonald’s when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

[at funeral] “it was so sudden” really? “yeah right in the middle of rap battle” I thought you said he died of dysentery TERRY: That’s right

My wife’s star sign was cancer and it’s actually quite ironic how she died.. She was attacked by a crab.

Well I was going to donate blood today until…. the lady got all personal and started asking, “Who’s blood is this?” and “How did you get it?”

Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.

What do DNA and Diarrhea have in common? They both run in your jeans (genes)