My Wife is refusing to fry any food and is insisting on eating healthier. She is turning into a Kitchen Nazi. She keeps sticking everything in the oven.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?

I can’t believe I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach…. …boy was my face red.

Tea makes everything great,even meth. Cos without T,meth is just meh.

Damn girl, are you a 48-pack of frozen corn dogs? Because I thought it would last forever.

Warning: Dead baby joke What’s the difference between a dead baby and a rock. You can’t fuck a rock.

I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats… Prophets are through the roof

Your mama so fat.. Her curve set everyone’s grade to A+

This morning I went for a run and came back home after 2 mins because I forgot something… I forgot that I was fat and could only run for 2 mins.