I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The economy is so bad I went to buy a toaster and they gave me a bank.

I’ll never forget the words of my late Grandfather… “Sorry I’m late.”

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan” [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

A job interview. What’s your worst quality? Honesty. Well, i don’t think that honesty is a bad quality.. I don’t give a fuck what you think.

They’re remaking Ocean’s 11 with an all-female cast and it’s gonna be called Ocean’s 8 It’s that damn wage gap I tell ya!

why did hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill (Thanks nofx)

[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR