What’s the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.

Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.

A pharmacy was just robbed. A pharmacy was just robbed $500,000. Security camera footage recorded the criminal taking 2 bottles of aspirin and a Zoloft.

Interviewer: Where were you born? Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That’s not what I meant. M: I don’t care.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Alistair ! Alistair who ? Alistairs in this house are broken !

My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.

It’s funny how liberals think Donald Trump oppresses women and hates gays Like he’s a Muslim or something.

How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a “crazy cat lady?” None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.

I like cheese more than I like most people.

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war while French people remove the red and blue colour