[school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don’t know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Normally I can’t dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

[breakfast table] Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms? 8: Not me 9: Not me CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

What do you call a dinosaur that raps about life? A philosorapper

A blind dude walks into a bar. Ouch.

Farting is your ass referring to itself in the turd person.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

What Do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a Sheep? A WOOLY JUMPER 🙂