Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He’s got bugs on his teeth.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…” *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave

That Hamburger Helper hand guy. There’s a twin out there, right? Didn’t go into showbiz. Maybe an accountant or something.

Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.

How many Jews does it take to change Hitler’s mind? None, there has to be no Jews.

Come on, there has got to be at least one business like show business.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, “Bejesus, I’m in the wrong joke!”

I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight…. Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.