CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Why can’t you tell secrets in a corn field? …because there are too many ears.

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault…. It’s not my fault that they put up a sign that said, ‘stroke patients downstairs’.

I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red

Why don’t I take my guinea pigs on walksies It’s hard on my cavies

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband. Me: And your point is…?

How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin

The pub manager is showing the new busboy around the kitchen, when they come to two doors. The busboy asks, “Which one is the ‘in’ door?” “Let me show you”, says the manager, and ‘e walks in.

The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it… “darn it…” I muttered.

What’s the difference between Jews and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney.