what is the best way to smuggle drugs? In your dogs asshole. Should there be border control frisking, it will be perceived as two dogs plain wolfing

Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray… Now he is a seasoned veteran.

What job do rabbits at hotels have? Bellhop.

Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him? Of course – he’d be eggs-terminated.

TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to Facebook.

Did you hear about the man who choked on an issue of The Guardian after learning about his brothers passing? He found the news hard to swallow.

Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

H: You look nice. Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep

What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.