What’s the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One’s a cunning runt and the other’s a running cunt.

What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!

Why does an elephant have 4 Feet? Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.

The only thing better than sarcasm… is irony.

Ay’ girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb

How do you know you sister is on her period? Dad’s cock tastes like blood.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.

When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include “being fucking awesome at everything.”

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.