Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

How do you double the price of a Fiat? Fill the tank

Has this one ever been used? Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.

They called their son Honest Abe, because he was honest. They called their daughter Bloody Mary…

What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.” *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.

The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight… I can see it coming.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

A guy walks into a bar and says, “I’m going to shoot whoever slept with my wife”! A man shouts from the back, “You don’t got enough bullets, bud”!