*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest* Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza? Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and be awarded eternal life” John came fifth and was awarded a toaster

Why does Anna’s mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality? Because she lives bicuriously through others .

Why don’t they have a WHITE history month?? Why don’t they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why’s there no cemetery for ALIVE people??

Thought I could safely force a fart… But it backfired.

What’s the best kind of grass? Emo grass; the grass that cuts itself.

Why doesn’t Hitler go ski? Cause he’s blown his fucking head.

How to get a Jewish girl’s number? Roll up her sleeve…

The definition of spin

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.