A man purchases a kitten, which he’s having trouble house breaking. What does his friend say when he comes to visit? Your house is quite the cat-ass-trophy.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

When I lived on a houseboat I was seeing the girl next door, but eventually we drifted apart.

Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?

What’s a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D

Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.

listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk