An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says: ‘I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down.’ The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: ‘Because he’s far too heavy.’

Broken pencils… …are pointless.

ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C: … ME: Get me your manager

A girl grabbed my cock and said, “Wow! Your dick wouldn’t make a very good clock.” “Why?” I asked, intrigued. “Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.

How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It’s not hard

What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae

What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain’s Log.

PSA: If you’ve got an Islamic dog… Muslim

Libertarian Presidential Candidate’s new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. “Feel the Johnson”