Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

My life That’s the joke.

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

Learning to love yourself is important. Just don’t let your wife catch you doing it.

How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

What was Hitler’s last two words? Oy Vey!

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50 one buck at a time to panhandlers on the street.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend