Follow your dreams. Unless you’re a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That’s dangerous, dude.

If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I’ve taken a Tern for the Wurst

I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline… Apparently it’s only for “victims”.

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag…

The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

I like my chicken how I like my babies Deep fried and delicious

Everyone in my class is arguing about science, And I’m just sitting here, maths debating.