My friend asked me… My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it’s 2016 you can use whatever printer you want

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

“I’ll be a dentist. Then they’ll love me.” “We’re terrified of dentists.” “I’ll kill a lion!” “It was a beloved lion with a name.” “Dammit.”

Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.

I’m never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I’ll suck yo dick for a Upvote

hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i’m pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.