woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.

I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say “Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?”

I have a pen….. I have a apple 😀

Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.

I can see you’re upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.

How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he’s hungry? “It’s my tummy, and I feed it NOW!”

What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body] Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.