My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair….. Oh,, I think she’ll come crawling back soon..

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

I bet if I were a MAN Apple wouldn’t tell me my password ideas are weak.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.

Have you ever seen those “Give a penny, take a penny” things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents

What did the Mexican say when I pushed him on the lawn? Grassy Ass!

I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them