Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, “Please put a load in the washer”

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer

Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*

When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon…

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous. HER: You’re sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis… But they were just arguing semitics.

Pavlov’s doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: “Shit, I need to feed the dogs!”

I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in. Well played, Google.