What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There’s 20 of them. (Works better in person)

Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.

Some people say Glenn Frey got pneumonia from the cold… But that can’t be true because he said the Heat is On.

Glue is weird it’s all like hey I want to stick these pieces of paper together wait I have an idea hand me that dead horse

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence

You’re so fat and unfunny… that the only punchlines you have are stained on your shirt.

A kiss will make her day But anal will make her hole weak

[sees a zebra for the first time] What’s up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?

so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!

My friend always wanted to work in animation, but never got past the interview He just couldn’t understand the difference between a professional “colorist” and a professional “racist”