I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

What’s a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider

What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.

Why is Chapstick so popular? Cause it’s the balm baby!

The IRA have been fighting for Irish reunification since the 70s. . . All they needed to do was vote for the Conservatives.

How many Reddit admins does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they like to keep the mods in the dark.

I milked the cow “We don’t have a cow” the neighbors’ cow then “Their cat?” Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo “Meow” Ah shoot