Instead of calling them flyover states we should call them comments section.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I’m glad it’s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.

Hey, who did you vote for?… I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!

I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction… …now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

What’s a pirate’s favourite type of weaponry? It’s ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate’s favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR

What is your best “Yo mama” joke?

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special