When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.

What did the man with The World’s Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated “Don’t worry, I still have my third one.”

It’s comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines… They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider

If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot.” you are wasting everybody’s time.

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet

“What’s that?” A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.

Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? …because he’s too short to be called an essay.