You know… When someone says to you “Jesus loves you.” It’s always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-” “A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. “A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

What’s the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One’s a Cunt and the other has nice hair.

Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.

What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.

What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)