What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they’re both stuck-up cunts.

My ex-wife still misses me… But her aim is gettin better.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Why don’t most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.

Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.

I have a degree in men’s studies. It’s called “world history”. #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN’T STUMP THE TRUMP!

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Jenna Jameson to Oprah, “There’s a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone.” I’m pretty sure she got that backwards.

I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It’s my-newt!

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung