I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an asshole.

Why were the baker’s hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.

What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom.

Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 “humorists”. 2/3rds of a person? Really?

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don’t remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again