What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don’t ask her out again.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.

Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Why can’t Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo

I’ve been going through a really rough period at work this week It’s my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive… …I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak-

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators] “I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”