The avengers walk into a bar Except vision. He phased.

How many cocks does it take to make your mother cry? None!

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

So I was going by this farm the other day… and I was like, hay.

Jerk chicken and pulled pork… The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality.. That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items.

Stephen Hawing running for president Just kidding…..he can’t run

Why do feminist Jewish girls never give blowjobs? Because men are pigs, and pork isn’t kosher.

How Many Marshawn Lynches Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Only one. Just as long as you hand him the damn lightbulb.

[me buying drugs for the first time] wow that’s a very puffy jacket u have on

I was on the subway when someone sneezed on me. I was so disgusted, I turned to him and said “People like you make me sick.”