Donald Trump wants to ban selling pre-shredded cheese… …he says it will make America grate again.

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.

I told my girlfriend to roleplay as a a Lvl 100 Charizard while we were having sex. She scratched me and told me that I didn’t have enough badges to train her.

What did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator? My Bologna had a first name.

[Airport security] Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs. Guard: Remove your shoes

How did Hitler originally get into power? “Let’s make Germany great again”

I found a dead mouse in my mother’s basement. Honestly, I hate being a gynaecologist sometimes.

What is the fiercest animal in the savanna? The *itseems*. Because the lion is not as fierce as it seems…

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars