Being calm is not something I rate.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog* Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys] *catches keys in my mouth*

Misfortune Cookie After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Instead of calling it them locker combinations…. We should call the locker permutations.

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student… …and shouts “your money or your life!” The student keeps walking, and says “Sorry mate, I’m a Computer Science student. I don’t have either”.

What did the blind and deaf kid get for Christmas?? Cancer.

I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography. It was base on a true story.

Why do Canadians not pay attention to their local wildlife? Because there’s nothing to care-aboot. (caribou)

How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who gives a cluck? (I wonder if the moderators will censor this joke merely on the grounds that it is categorically terrible?)

You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don’t want to talk to.!