Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help? Patient: Sure now I see the spots much clearer.

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl one one hand. It’s zero, because I’ve never been to Chernobyl.

A priest, a rabbi and a duck all walk into a bar… [put your best punchlines in the comments, I couldn’t think of anything]

How do you get down off a horse? You don’t, you get down off a duck.

What do you call a Mexican midget prostitute? Cunts-way-low!

Life is like a gluten allergy.. It seems like everybody but me has one.

What’s the difference between a wedding and a funeral? One less drunk.

I just invented a new word! Plagiarism

This is the most offensive joke I know What’s the best part about having sex with a six year old? Watching her fall apart on the witness stand.

Why was the two-dimensional emo sad? Because nobody would ever know how deep he was.