Me: You say all the right things. Her: I didn’t say anything. Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

Me: How many legs does the dog have? 4 y.o: Five Me: There’s something wrong with your counting. 4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Which strip club does Obama go to? The Illuminaughty

Plans are already underway for a Trump Library… It’s the first time a Presidential library will have *just* scratch and sniff books.

What does a pirate’s beard feel like? Corsair. (works better in a pirate accent)

Went on a date with a single mom… It was going well until I told her I didn’t care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.

I’m still a little pissed we didn’t get to keep the tail through the evolutionary process.

A Montage Video of My Life Except every time I disappoint someone, it gets faster [0:08]

So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old… I told her “why bother? You’ll be 14 in a few years anyway”

Kind of a pick up line? I wrote you a song but it’s only one verse… But it’s only because you’re my UNIVERSE …lol…