I used the word “procreate” at work today… … and a pregnant girl asked me what it meant.

Why should you never trust atoms? They make up everything.

Date me? You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me. Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.

Yesterday i met a fat chick and i fucked her in the elevator It was wrong on so many levels

I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

I’ve put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.

All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture

People who failed committing suicide… How do they live with themselves?