What do you call a bicycle made just for grandpas? A popsicle!

oh hey mom. no i’m just Skyping with my girlfriend. what do you mean am i just playing a Vine of a girl saying i love you over and over

I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks. All credit to Emo Phillips.

[argument w/girlfriend] HER: you know what your problem is? ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays? Inflation

I had sex in a hall of mirrors. I was fucking beside myself.

Did you hear about the new German microwave? It seats 8.

They say a woman’s work is never done… Maybe that’s why they get paid less than men.

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.

What did the Hungarian say to the annoying kid? “You’re nothing budapest!”