What are the man with no shoes say when he was forced to walk on broken glass? Fuck

What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

How do you catch a wild bra? Set a booby trap.

Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes? Guy- sorry officer, I’m drunk af Cop-that’s not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Why did they let the chicken join the band? Because he brought his own drumsticks

My Valentine is like the square root of -100… A 10, but imaginary

Do you think the Tauntaun from The Empire Strikes Back got cold after Han sliced it open? Or do you think it kept lukewarm?

I wanted to rope down this mountain… but I found it quite rappelent.

You know you’re not a Harry Potter fan if: you think a parcel-tongue is someone who can speak to packages.

Q: What does an attorney wear to work? A: A law suit.