interviewer: what can u bring to the firm me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles] interviewer: I meant like clients me: [removes cactus]

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

How do you make 7 even? By removing the S

Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking? All of those guys already have boyfriends.

Seen on the back of a Harley-Davidson Tee Shirt: “If you can read this, my bitch fell off.”

PREACHER: any prayer requests? 3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Andrew Jackson? One goes from black to white, the other goes from white to black.

What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm? Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.

I don’t know why everyone’s complaining about chip card readers. I have bad credit.

A surgeon accidentally removed a women cancerless breast…. Sounds like it was a mastec-to-my