Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now. I need a drink.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!! Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time? Stall

My sister is a mathematician… She celebrates 4/20 on January fifth because it’s just simpler that way.

Wanna hear a joke about Ebola? You probably won’t get it.

What’s imaginary that my girlfriend and I afraid to forget? My girlfriend