You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

Almost half the atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can’t help but wonder… Was the sex really that bad?

I’ve built a labyrinth for my pigs. It’s ham-mazing.

Why did the concrete fail at its job? It couldn’t take the shear stress

Knock knock. Mailman.

So I was having sex the other day… I thought I was doing a great job because her toes kept curling, then I realized she was still wearing panty-hose…

My clothes don’t fit anymore. There’s only one possibly explanation. America is shrinking my clothes.

People who say they’re ‘living in the moment’ must be hitting the refresh button like a motherfucker.

I like the NSA They’re the only government agency that listens

What do you call a fat Taylor Swift? Taylor not so Swift